My good friend, Pain, has returned to me once again. In full force, without warning, he has come back to squeeze my chest and press into my heart and make me feel as though I can't breathe, he has come back to encircle me with his other friends Loneliness and Despair. They cause me to fear the future, to relive and regret the past...to feel the weight of the world's depravity on my shoulders. To feel it all come crashing on top of me like a ten foot ocean wave, pulling me down into my mind where I remain trapped for days. Where I teeter on the verge of tears, because while my smile responds appropriately to the people around me, it is completely disconnected from the thoughts raging inside my head and worse, inside my heart.
My heart, which knows the capacity of love and joy to the point where it swells so large that I feel, in a similar way, that I can't breathe - due to it feeling so large it might burst like fireworks out of the confines of my chest. In contrast to now, my heart feeling so small, shriveled like a dying plant, withered and lifeless. It beats pathetically, just doing the bare minimum to keep me alive.
The thing is, I never describe any of these emotions I feel as sadness.... because in fact, they are much deeper than sadness. There is outrage, at the sin and society which embraces it, the malicious half-truths and misinformation that's so readily gobbled up by supposedly intelligent human beings, that I myself was such a stupid sucker in my search for the Truth, floundering about in the realms of happiness and freedom and personal rights; all of which have been warped into some sick illogical argument against morality and into this acceptance of sin as our right to our personal happiness...this idea of "do what makes you happy" regardless of it's frivolous disregard of all of the other people around you who you have an effect on. There is the loneliness which breeds hopelessness, which makes me feel that I have no idea what a soul mate even means and how will I ever find one. There is the despair of how my voice, one tiny drop in this endless ocean, can ever make a difference in the crushing tide of secular society. There is the vulnerability, of how the burning desire to stand up and speak out against the evils we face today will very likely bring resentment to my doorstep, in the faces and words of those who defend evil in order to justify their own actions. I can't justify the actions of my past which is why I so vehemently speak out against them.... because I don't want other people getting these frequent visits from Pain.
My heart, which knows the capacity of love and joy to the point where it swells so large that I feel, in a similar way, that I can't breathe - due to it feeling so large it might burst like fireworks out of the confines of my chest. In contrast to now, my heart feeling so small, shriveled like a dying plant, withered and lifeless. It beats pathetically, just doing the bare minimum to keep me alive.
The thing is, I never describe any of these emotions I feel as sadness.... because in fact, they are much deeper than sadness. There is outrage, at the sin and society which embraces it, the malicious half-truths and misinformation that's so readily gobbled up by supposedly intelligent human beings, that I myself was such a stupid sucker in my search for the Truth, floundering about in the realms of happiness and freedom and personal rights; all of which have been warped into some sick illogical argument against morality and into this acceptance of sin as our right to our personal happiness...this idea of "do what makes you happy" regardless of it's frivolous disregard of all of the other people around you who you have an effect on. There is the loneliness which breeds hopelessness, which makes me feel that I have no idea what a soul mate even means and how will I ever find one. There is the despair of how my voice, one tiny drop in this endless ocean, can ever make a difference in the crushing tide of secular society. There is the vulnerability, of how the burning desire to stand up and speak out against the evils we face today will very likely bring resentment to my doorstep, in the faces and words of those who defend evil in order to justify their own actions. I can't justify the actions of my past which is why I so vehemently speak out against them.... because I don't want other people getting these frequent visits from Pain.
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