Prayer of the Week

"May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart. 


May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom and peace among all people. 


May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.


 May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim."

Time is Love

I love this new song by Josh Turner, "Time is Love".  I love the idea that no, time is not money and we need to stop thinking of it in that sense.  Time is LOVE.  Think of how just spending a little extra time with someone is such an act of love, especially in today's fast-paced culture where everybody seems to be in a hurry.  for example in nursing spending just a little extra time with a patient thoroughly explaining something or just sitting to listen to the patient can be so meaningful to them.  When you truly focus on people as if they are the only thing on your mind at the moment, as if they are the most important priority at hand, people really notice that! I know that there were several mentors throughout high school and college, people who stick out in my mind when I look back, who made me feel that way.  I'd like to strive to be that kind of person to someone else!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fefu8tca4EY

Holy Week

This is an inspiring little quip from my Lent booklet:

"They (the early church - first 50 years after Jesus' death and resurrection) repeated the story of Christ's passion over and over because they knew the ending: The glory of risen life.  The ending made the passion a story of hope.  If God can take something this awful, this ugly, this humiliating, this senseless and transform it into something life-giving, meaningful, beautiful - then God can take the worst things we've done, or the worst things that have been done to us, and transform them.  In God's hands, nothing is unforgivable.  Everything is transformable."

October Baby Thoughts

28 Weeks, last trimester begins!

It's wild to look back on what I thought was a "baby bump" and realize it was hardly anything at all!  Now I truly have a pregnant belly, and Abe moves around and makes my belly move with punches and kicks.  I always wonder what he's doing in there when he is moving around, trying to get comfy! 

I went with my friend Jenny tonight to see the movie October Baby, and I thought it was a fantastic film.  It is about a 19year old abortion survivor - that is, her mother had a failed abortion attempt, and the baby was adopted by a family despite being born premature and having lifelong complications from prematurity.  She goes to find her mother, who at this point is a successful lawyer who has a daughter and husband.  The way they portray the pain that comes from abortion, and the healing and forgiveness which can come from God, is done so well.  They are not convicting, they are not condemning, and the movie just is powerful without being controversial.  I cried a lot during the movie, because I felt so much empathy for the millions of women who listen to society's lies every year.  The lies that LIFE isn't as important as having a career, or being wed, or having enough money saved up to have a baby, or being the right age, or being in the right circumstances. Sometimes, we just have to trust God with those things, that sometimes life is messy and complicated and not perfect, and that we have to embrace it and live each day with the faith that God will see us through. I feel for the women who listen to society's lies, and choose to ignore God's whisper in their hearts. 

I feel empathy for the women who live with decisions they have made and live with lies that they tell themselves to help ease the pain, to help psychologically justify the actions and yet are still searching for forgiveness - to forgive themselves and to find forgiveness from God.  It's out there, the forgiveness is there. I feel anger at our society for allowing this to continue, I feel anger that our society breeds misunderstanding on the topic and has politicized it to the point of no return.  Our culture finds so many ways of undermining the value of life, of disintegrating it's value to nothing - ignoring how it is a God given gift, that each day is a miracle, that we are created by divine design, that we are all unique and individual yet we are truly brothers and sisters - we all have the same basic needs and desires - but our culture becomes more inhumane each day.  We've gone from being a culture of individualism and personal freedom, to a culture of selfishness and self-centeredness; people can't work together for anything because everyone feels entitled to their way, to doing it how they want it.  We need to be turning to God more than ever these days, to seek our guidance and advice. We need to find answers in the Truth.  We need to re-establish the gift of life, and be true believers that EVERY life is beautiful.  

On earth as it is in Heaven...

I have been reading a book called Kisses from Katie, which is a book about the truth of what God calls us to do as Christians.  Katie was a 19 year-old from Tennessee, who was extremely blessed growing up.  She had a big house and a perfect Christian family. And when she was 16 she decided that she wanted to do mission work when she graduated from high school.  So she moved to Uganda, where she still lives now 4 years later.  She has now adopted 14 children, and she cares for nearly 300+ more on a weekly basis through a non-profit ministry called Amazima.  She has this amazing soul for God, for doing what Christ calls us to do - to care for the widowed, the orphaned, the impoverished.  She feeds the hungry and spreads love to those who may never have felt it.  She cares for people who are sick.  She does this day in, day out, and she does not ask for recognition - simply for the chance, the financial opportunity, to continue to serve the community's needs. She desires deeply to live in a world that can be said "on earth as it is in heaven." She does what many of us would like to do - if we weren't so fearful of the unknown.

Katie speaks her heart, and her heart is always focused on Christ.  She completely loves and follows God before all other things, and it allows her to see the world with different eyes.  She, like Mother Teresa, is filled each day with love from Christ first - which allows her to then give that love to others.  If we try to live and love solely based on our own strength, and not on the strength that the Lord gives us, we will burn out.  We will seek to meet our own selfish needs before we seek to meet the needs of others.  We will not have enough love to give day in and day out.

In our "busy" lives in America that we have created for ourselves, we often choose not to make God a priority every single day.  We may pray every day, but we might do it half-heartedly, or routinely, or as an afterthought.  We rarely take the time and set it aside every day to dedicate our hearts to praying to God for guidance, for wisdom, for the fulfilling, life-giving love that He has to give to us.  I want so desperately to make that time, each day, to truly dedicating my heart towards God, yet I feel that I go through periods where I prioritize it, and then through periods where I let it slide awhile.  God, please let me thirst for you daily! Please give me a heart that seeks Your wisdom first!

So God, what do you want me to do today??

I would like to make a point of it to ponder this question each and every morning during the first hour I am awake.  It goes beyond simply asking God, what would you like me to do today?  It goes into God, what can I do for YOU today.  We are the hands and feet of Jesus Christ, and we need to use our own hands and feet, our own talents, our own skills, in order to share His merciful love with others.

It goes into praying for Him to assist us to SEE the opportunites presented to us as opportunities which we can help others, or  share love, peace and positivity with others.  To ask Him to give me His eyes to see with, to view others in the same light as He sees others. To truly give up my own judgments and misconceptions, and to really see others with COMPASSION, to see the human DIGNITY in every single person no matter their problems, attitudes, issues, rantings, etc.  To be merciful, to be the first to forgive in all situations, and to be just and act with righteousness.  To seek to be His hands and feet, each day. To seek to share His love and peace, each day.  To ask God, what do you want me to do today? What can I do for You today? 

Life's not always peachy

Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by everything.  By the situation of being pregnant, being far away from the father of the baby, wracked with doubts about the decisions that I am making and have made, stress of a new job, etc; I become overwhelmed with emotions - as well as with feeling numb.  There are breaks in the numbness where I feel pain, deeply. In these moments I think about many things. I think about other peoples lives, all over the globe. I think about other people's pain and suffering.  I think about my own pain and suffering, which is mostly self-inflicted and accrued from shame.  In my lowest, saddest moments, I like to play the song by Matt Maher "You were on the Cross".  It is also a sad song, but ultimately it speaks the truth that God is with us during all of these moments, all of the lowest of the low moments that we have in our lives.  He was on the cross, dieing for us, feeling all the pain and suffering that sin creates in our world - and He did that for us.  He took all of that on His own pure shoulders - all of the pain that we feel, all of the suffering we feel, He too has felt it - He too, was there with us. He too, is here with me in my moments of sadness. Below are the full lyrics of the song.

Matt Maher - You were on the cross

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for,
Where were You when all that I've dreamed,
Came crashing down in shambles around me?
You were on the cross

Pain, could you take away the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made

You were on the cross, my God, my God, alone, alone
You were on the cross, You died for us, alone, alone
You were on the cross, victorious, alone, alone

You were there in all of my suffering
And You were there in doubt and in fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear

Baby Bump Update

Picture at 18 weeks pregnant

So, here is baby and I at 18 weeks pregnant!  Sucking in my belly is no longer an option, and I am starting to think I need to start eating healthier again : ) I've let myself eat more sugar than normal the last couple of weeks, and haven't necessarily been choosing the best options for every meal...three hundred extra calories isn't much leeway to be letting myself eat whatever I want!

I will probably not be able to wear the shirt in this picture in another month, without the bottom of my tummy sticking out. But we will see! I am going to start taking a picture each week to see how I grow.

I now am feeling movements frequently, this baby likes to move! Which makes me happy, because it gives me relief to know that baby is in there doing just fine.  I get my ultrasound this Friday, which is so exciting to finally see baby!  I won't be finding out the gender until Super Bowl Sunday, however, because I want to wait until my family and I are all together. It would be very unexciting to have the ultrasound technician tell me "boy" or "girl", so instead, I will be having a cake made with either blue or pink in the middle, and cutting it on Super Bowl Sunday, revealing it to both me and the family!

I continue to have the weirdest dreams, all mostly related to boy-type or violent things, so I still think it might be a boy.  Either way, I'm just excited to know! That way I can start really looking at baby things (which I find myself doing anyway...every time I'm at a store, I always wander down the baby aisles...just to look!)

Mercy of God

"If you wish, you can make me clean."
Moved with pity, Jesus stretched out his hand, touched the leper and said to him, "I will do it. Be made clean"
Mark 1:40-41

I am deeply touched by today's gospel reading for many reasons.  One reason is the simple humility of the leper.  The leper is completely faithful.  He has total trust in Jesus that Jesus can perform miracles, is the Son of God, is our Savior.  He has complete faith.  He says, "if you wish", like he knows it is not he himself that wills him to be made clean, but that it is Jesus who wills it.  Sometimes, in our prayers, don't we ask for things rather abruptly?  Like we are already deserving of the things we are asking?  As though it would be some sort of affront to us by God if God did not protect us from harm, or did not allow us to have a good interview, or did not get us through the day without something bad happening.  I feel like sometimes we tell God what we want, what we want him to do for us. Like it's some kind of deal.  "You do this for me God, and I will totally believe in you truly."  That somehow it's conditional.

The leper was humble.  Sometimes, we are not.  But if we can keep the humility in the back of our minds, and don't feel so entitled to protection or so entitled to all the things we are asking for, and realize that we are but little specks of dust in the whole scheme, perhaps Jesus will be moved to pity us, to have mercy on us, when we take away our pride and stand humbly before him asking him please, showing Him our weakness without Him.  Tell him that it is up to Him, to grant us His peace, to lead us, to be by our side.  That we need Him, that we rely on His strength, that our strength is not enough.

Happy New Year 2012!

Well, I have officially turned old.  It happened so quickly, like the blink of an eye, that I became "out of touch" with what is cool in the eyes of the youth.  Although I have been seeing signs of this for months, it became drastically apparent last night, New Year's Eve, while I was lying on my brother's couch, dozing during a movie, mentally coaching myself to stay up until the ball dropped at midnight.  When we turned on the 40th annual Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve, we saw Ryan Seacrest interviewing several people who had performed earlier that night.  The only person I recognized was Santana and Justin Beiber, and I started commenting on how WEIRD the other people looked, and how I didn't even know what band they were from, and how I couldn't believe people like them were even famous...Brandy looks over to me, and says "well, congratulations, you are officially OLD". 

It's not my plan in 2012 to fight the "oldness" that I have recently acquired, but rather view this as one giant leap of maturity.  I don't care to bother with pop culture, I don't need to know who Justin Beiber is dating or how to even say his name and I really don't care to fill my mind with secular, materialistic nonsense all day long by watching TV.  Does that make me old, or is that just what my personality always was, but was just overshadowed by immature drinking habits that I had all these past 5 years?  I have no resolution this year (besides flossing...DAILY!!), but perhaps my only one goal is to embrace each day more and more the person and woman I am becoming.  To make no excuses for the "way I am" and to instead focus on being the best I can be each day. . . to let the good parts of me shine, and not get so caught up on the negatives. 

This is easier said than done. I wish I could be some champion for single mothers out there everywhere, some positive light to others, a cheerleader to others going through a similar situation as I am.  But, I will admit, I am not always positive.  I am sometimes racked with anxiety and doubt.  I fret about decisions in the future that have no meaning to me on this day.  I fret about decisions already made, the wheels already put in motion, and how life can't be turned back, can't be re-done.  There are no re-do's in life, you just have to keep moving.  But it's so hard to know, when faced with a decision, what is the right thing to do?  Our decisions are made often times in the heat of the moment, clouded by emotions and opinions and thoughts and feelings....it's hard to step back, pray, and discern our decisions with reason, instead of emotion.  At least, that seems hard for me to do.

So, here we are, now starting 2012...all I can do is promise myself I will try and floss daily, and to be the best I can be, taking one day at a time, and turning to prayer instead of fretful worrying.